27 today

[Simon on his 26th birthday]

Happy Birthday Simon.
I wish you were here so I could say it to you in person.
With lots of hugs and kisses and presents and fun.
We will share a meal to mark the occasion, but it won't be the same
without the special birthday boy.
I miss you.
I love you.


22.12.82 - 26.3.09

INK (sad bits warning)

So i want a tattoo.

I saw Simon twice after he died. The first time, the next day. I said to him pretty quickly, without any previous thought "I'm getting a tattoo for you." [ever wondered what you might say to the body of the person you love? I said I love you about a thousand times over and over. such an intense few minutes of my life I will never forget. it. sometimes I can think about it ok and others times.. my world stops when i really truly remember all the details.]

ANYWAY

So I have been thinking for ages about what to get. Simon had a tattoo for his late brother Danny and I thought it was a beautiful way to remember him. (I think I also said that to him)
It's been almost 7 months since my boy left us (woah) so it's clearly not a decision I've rushed into.

I've decided on the basic design.. I just need to sit down with a tattoo artist and work on colours and placement/font for Simon's initials... SKW. Aren't they nice initials? Mine are lame.. HEB hehe.

But the main thing bothering me is... where on earth will I put this tattoo?!?!
I have had many ideas but none have sold me completely.

I don't want a 'tramp stamp' - middle of the lower back.
I don't want it to be somewhere super obvious that I can't cover if a job calls for it (sucks)
I do want it somewhere I can see it and somewhere I can show it when I want.

So these are not options -
butt
neck (nape being considered though)
chest
wrist/forearm
stomach

SO HARD TO CHOOSE!
Any suggestions????

I can't wait to get it :)

Scratchy

This was hilarious Simon. One of the best memories of you. Late night Macca's run. You disappeared for hours with Luke and returned with some obvious evidence. Bush diving anyone?

It was such a crazy thing for my quiet boy to do. I like the photo a lot.
Hardcore, babe.

How can this be?

I miss Simon so much today I'm having trouble breathing.

Explaining

Today I had a quick chat to someone who works near me. We have chatted often over the 3 years I've worked there. She's lovely. I said I wasn't having any time off soon as I'm saving my leave for my trip to America/UK. She asked if my boyfriend was coming with me.

It's like my world stops for a second.
Don't ask me that.
Don't make me say it.

'He actually passed away'

It's not natural saying that, it doesn't even feel real, or even close to ok.

This will probably happen many times, but it's the first time I've had it really as yet.

It's hard to explain, because I just can't. Not in a few minutes. Not ever really.

I miss my boy.

I know I'm biased, but seriously, how good looking is he?

Obsession!

When I was packing up stuff from our house, I found a new CD that Simon had bought.

Don't you fake it by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

We really, and I mean really, love their song 'Face Down' but we hadn't got much further than that. This album was the last thing Simon put on his Ipod, a couple of days before he died. (I only just figured this out.)

I've been listening to it for ages now. At first I just skipped between two songs 'Face Down' and 'Cat and Mouse' but I listen from start to finish now, in my car. 'Your Guardian Angel' is SUCH a good song also. These 3 have brought on some major tears. Which is fine. (very safe driving also)

So I just absolutely LOVE this album, and I thank Simon for bringing it into my life :)

It's funny how having good songs to listen to as you're driving makes things so much more bearable. I can listen to all the songs (even the three mentioned) now without crying (most of the time) - I have already come a long way, I can be a lot calmer about things - at least at the moment.

It's nice to think one of my coping strategies was given to me from Simon.

Today...

Today was White Wreath Day.

In remembrance of all victims of suicide.

I didn't know this until I decided to look at the site today of all days.

My uncle told me about the white wreath website when Simon passed away.

Simon took his own life. It is a very hard thing to understand.

White Wreath are a great organisation. They try to raise awareness of mental illness and the struggles that people can go through. They provide havens and support for people who are having a hard time coping with life. They support the family and friends who are left behind when a loved one commits suicide.

I have known people who have taken their own lives, one a friend 2 years ago. I didn't really dwell on it too much - but when Simon died, it really hit home. He was my partner for 4 years - I knew him better than anyone. And I still couldn't stop him from leaving.

We need to be more aware of how hard life can be for some people. We need to be able to talk about suicide like we talk about other deaths. Death is a hard subject at the best of times, but I think suicide is the hardest thing to talk about, probably because it is the hardest to understand. There is always the question of : WHY. That is a question I ask constantly but won't get an answer too until I see Simon again, which I believe will happen one day :) I also believe that wherever he is now, he is happy and at peace.

I hope it doesn't upset anybody me posting about suicide - I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but this can be part of the problem - it's very taboo. I'm not ashamed of the fact that Simon was a victim of suicide. It's sad and awful, and I'm only two months into the very long grieving process for my special boy, but if we can do anything to make it easier for people that are struggling to get help, we should.

Write Wreath also have 'sock-it-to-suicide' where you wear bright socks during the 3rd week of October and donate a gold coin. I'm hoping we can do this at my workplace - they were very supportive in 'footy jumper friday' to raise funds for beyond blue earlier this year, which was great.

Thanks to everyone for your messages of support. If you feel like writing something, please do. I know words might be hard to find, but every show of love and support really helps.

The spunkiest boy ever

YOU ARE GORGEOUS.
I miss you.

SKW

I started a new blog.
To remember Simon.
He passed away Thu 26/3/09.
I love him and miss him.

For Simon Waters